Step Away from the Google, Ma’am

New Moms, Google is not your friend.

My sister told me this before I had kids.  In fact, when I am really worried about something, sometimes I make her google it for me.

Everyone, you should have someone who will google for you, lest you end up in the fine print on WebMD or

Here’s a short list of things I have regretted googling in relation to my infant

  • Lead poisoning
  • gas leaks
  • a terrible condition of the intestines that I won’t even share with you here
  • Vitamin E toxicity
  • Measles
  • red cheeks
  • grunting
  • projectile spit up

Nearly every time I end up closing the computer and picking up the phone to call the pediatrician. Sadly, by that point I was usually dizzy and trying to figure out if I was going to have time to shower before I had to rush the babe to the ER.

They’re used to crazy new moms like me on that helpline.  They laugh at my jokes, they set me at ease.  And every time, I regret not having called them first.

Lately my son has been punching me in the face and as a testament to how batsh** crazy I am, I thought, “Huh, I wonder if it’s because we didn’t get him baptized.  Maybe he punches me in the face because of the ORIGINAL SIN.”

I decided not to call the pediatrician’s office on that one.


2 responses to “Step Away from the Google, Ma’am

  1. The best thing I did as a new mom was quit going to those stupid community boards. Lots of judgmental people there who confuse opinion and fact.

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